Love & Betrayal: Broken Trust in Intimate Relationships

Introduction   On and on the rain will fall Like tears from a star like tears from a star On and on the rain will say How fragile we are how fragile we are From “Fragile” by STING   RELATIONSHIPS are difficult. We want to feel cherished and understood. And we want love and intimacy to endure—for a lifetime. Sadly, love relationships often seem to fall short of their tender promise, leaving us wounded, disillusioned, and discouraged. Do we dare wonder if there is a sequel to the bitter taste of disappointed love?   This book begins with the simple recognition that love relationships can be tricky, if not treacherous. Despite our sweetest vision of what is possible, intimacy can be hazardous to our health. There is no ultimate safety or security in the arena of relationship. Once we accept that, we’re ready for the good news: There is a depth, delight, and richness that is truly possible through love relationships. There is no substitute for the pleasure, fulfillment, and growth that come by relating deeply to a wisely selected fellow human. Despite my own bruising betrayals, I’m still a hopeless romantic at heart—though in a different way than when I was twenty.   This book offers a means of dealing with love’s shadow side, love’s duplicitous polarity: betrayal. Only by bringing light to love’s dark corners can we navigate our way through the beguiling traps that await our journey into love. Only then can we fulfill the promise of finding the radiant joy, delightful connection, and bountiful love that our heart and soul never abandon.   By courageously confronting the inevitable rejections and betrayals that life brings us, we can heal the hurts of our heart, discover new aspects of ourselves, and find a greater degree of safety in relationships. Betrayal in its many forms can become, in effect, the unwelcome rite of passage that ushers us toward a brighter understanding of what love is and what love isn’t—what helps love grow, and what destroys it.   Sharing our heart, our tenderness, our hopes with another person exposes us to the painful possibility that our trust may be coldly betrayed or unwittingly undermined. This hurt touches each of us at one time or another. None of us will escape life without being betrayed in some manner by someone we have grown to trust and love. Betrayal is an equal opportunity misfortune.   Yet little has been written about this dreaded aspect of the human condition. Perhaps some people avoid the subject because they find it distasteful or depressing. Others may feel threatened by the discomforting feelings that accompany the very thought of betrayal. Nevertheless, unless we find the courage to look betrayal in the eye, we will continue to perpetuate situations that lead to our continued betrayal, as well as to our betraying others—while the promise of love slips away.   THE NEED TO HEAL OUR BETRAYAL WOUNDS   The effects of a major betrayal linger long beyond its immediate sting. All too often, the pain of betrayal establishes a pattern of extreme caution in our relationships. Having been burned once, we hesitate to trust again. As a result, we withhold our real thoughts and feelings. We retreat from making genuine contact with others. We do not cry all of our tears; we do not surrender to the fullness of our joy. Instead, we shield our vulnerable core from the threatening presence of others. In the bargain, we deprive ourselves of the love we secretly want.   Betrayal’s aftermath may manifest in other destructive ways. We may enter a new relationship with the crafty resolve to mold and manipulate our partner, bullying him or her to display the cooperation we expect, if not demand. We may sharpen a verbal sword that blames, shames, and attacks at the first sign of inattentiveness to our needs and desires. We may administer sly tests of loyalty to ensure that we’re loved. We may adapt a subtle attitude of contempt that says, “You’ll have to prove that you’re trustworthy—that you’re different from the rest!” Needless to say, these efforts to control our partner are likely to backfire. They reflect seething resentments, fearful suspicions, and unhealed wounds that linger from prior betrayals. Rather than make us safer, these attitudes and behaviors set the stage for a miserable relationship, and oftentimes another betrayal.   By not dealing with betrayal in a wise, effective way, we carry our pain into our next relationship. Our old hurts and resentments spill over onto our partner with the slightest provocation. By not resolving our prior pain we continue to suffer, as does our new partner. And we throw up our hands in resignation when it becomes apparent that yet another relationship isn’t working out.   This book is a gentle invitation to stop, look, and listen so that we may alter the cruel cycle of betrayal that continues to hurt ourselves and others.   NOTICING THE SUBTLER FORMS OF BETRAYAL   Betrayal is not limited to the more blatant forms of sexual deceit, broken promises, and outright desertions that normally merit this term. More subtle forms abound, ones that are easily overlooked yet can progressively sabotage our quest to love and be loved. These subtle betrayals can be even more insidious in the way they infect our partnerships and friendships. These seemingly harmless slights and oversights can lead to big hurts and account for much of the pain that exists in relationships.   This book is not just for those who want to understand and recover from sudden, life-shattering forms of betrayal. It is also for those who want to cultivate a climate of love and trust in their current relationships so that little hurts do not grow into the quiet hostility and distancing that so often destroy cherished hopes and dreams. Laced throughout these chapters are illustrations of the more subtle betrayals of trust, of how these “little” betrayals provide kindling for the larger conflagrations that can traumatize us.   What prompts us to break trust with people? Why do people break trust with us? Are there ways we contribute to a climate of mistrust that leads to big betrayals? Can we overcome the anger, pain, and bitterness that are left in the wake of a major betrayal and learn to trust again? Can we create a foundation for intimacy that would curtail the everyday betrayals that thwart our search for love, thereby minimizing the possibility of a larger, debilitating betrayal? Can we love others without betraying ourselves?   This book addresses these crucial questions. However, there are no simple answers to quickly relieve the pain of betrayal. It would be a betrayal of the reader to scratch lightly at the surface of this perplexing and multifaceted topic. The complex nature of this issue is well known to the betrayed individual, who wonders “What went wrong? How did love turn to ashes?” Real solutions require a fundamental transformation of how we view ourselves, relate to others, and understand life.   The subject of betrayal elicits our deepest emotions because it touches the very core of our humanness. Only by addressing the topic in a sensitive and in-depth manner can we transform devastating betrayal into greater self-understanding and serenity. Likewise, only by learning to deal wisely with the less dramatic, day-to-day assaults on our trust and innocence can we build loving, intimate relations with others.   Throughout the text I drew upon my own personal experiences and those of clients and friends. I also interviewed many men and women for this book and have included their illuminating comments (individuals’ names have been changed).1 Although the examples are of heterosexual couples, the principles apply to all significant relationships, whether gay, lesbian, or heterosexual. The hurt of betrayal spans a multitude of lifestyles.   One final thought for those readers who have recently felt the anguish of betrayal: It is heartbreaking to be betrayed. It is scary to start over without the comfort of a once cherished friend or lover. I hope that by portraying the many dimensions of betrayal and offering creative ways to respond to it, this book can help you heal your hurt. Beyond that, my hope is that you will emerge with increased self-awareness, self-esteem, and compassion for yourself and others on your continuing journey toward trusting, satisfying partnerships and friendships.