Answers to the Most-Asked Questions About Raising Sons: Speaking of Boys

Speaking of the Nature of BoysNew Mother of Baby Boy Looks to the FutureQ: This may sound like a stupid question, but I am an expectant mother,and we know it will be a boy. I've never had any experience around littleboys. I never had any brothers and my sisters never had boys. My onlyexperience is in seeing other people's little boys, and to be honest, theylook like a handful. I'm just wondering if you have some simple (so I cankeep it in mind over the years!) advice for raising a son to stay out oftrouble and be a good man?MGT: First of all, congratulations! You are in for an adventure, alearning experience, and a lot of fun. All you need is a loving heart andan open mind. As for boys being a handful, all children are a handful! I have a friend who says, "All human beings are more or less impossible." I think that is true (it certainly describes me). That's why we all need families who love us. As I have traveled around the country talking to parents about boys, I have had manymothers come up to me to say, "Take it from me, boys are easy. It is girlswho are tough!" I have had just as many mothers testify that boys are sohard to read, so competitive, so mysterious, and so cruel.Why do some mothers find boys difficult and others find them to be adelight? Certainly, being raised with brothers or having nephews is ahelpful experience, but I don't think that is the crucial element. I haveknown some wonderful mothers of boys who were not raised in families withbrothers. To me the two things that I would wonder about in the mother ofa boy are: (1) whether she likes men, and (2) whether she will be able toadapt to her baby's rhythms and temperament.In some ways, you have to want the end product of boyhood in order toraise a son with a sense of full acceptance. He is going to turn into aman. As our son, Will, has grown up, from time to time my wife has said,"It doesn't seem possible that he is going to grow up to be large andhairy." But he is, and I can see she is practicing in her mind,transforming this sweet, beautiful child into a large, bearded man andstill recognizing him. Practice thinking about the man your son willbecome. Who have been the admirable men in your life? Did you love yourfather? Did your grandfather dote on you? Do you have a good relationshipwith your husband? Think about what you have liked in men and how youwould like to see your son grow up to be like that. If you have a picturein your mind of the way you'd like him to be, it will help you to guidehim.Please don't think about boys as a problem; don't brace yourself for theirenergy or their competitiveness. Think about what your loving grandfathermust have been like as a boy. Does your grandmother or mother have anystories about him? Ask your husband about his boyhood. What was he like?What did he do? Ask your husband enough questions so you get beyond thepolished family stories about his bringing the frog to the table orthrowing a football through the window. Families tend to hold on togender-stereotyped stories that do not really illuminate the nature of thechild. Ask your husband how it really was for him when he was a boy. Whatscared him, what was he passionate about?May I suggest that you read books about boyhood? How about Angela's Ashes? You'll read it with new eyes, now that you have a son. It will teach you something about boy grief, boy endurance, and boy humor. Reread TomSawyer. Read some autobiographies of admirable men. It will be helpful todiscover that Mahatma Gandhi got into fights at school or the Dalai Lamaand his brother were so boisterous and competitive that his brother wassent away from the monastery.Of course, you are going to be reading books to your son at night. The books that he loves will be an education for you. He will identify with the angry Max in Where the Wild Things Are, and he will admire the elephant, Horton, who steadfastly hatches the egg whilebalanced on that little tree, and you will both marvel at the imaginationof that boy fishing in McElligot's pool. You will see your son in all ofthese characters, and you will be introduced to things you had never spentmuch time thinking about, such as what occupies a boy's mind when he isfishing. Reading to children is as much an education for parents as it isfor children.As for my second point, adapting to a child's temperament, that is thecrucial thing for parenting any child, boy or girl. You are going to haveto get on your son's wavelength without his being able to tell you whatchannel he is broadcasting from. You will get that from the experience of knowing him as a baby, holding him, responding to his cries, calming him during a plane ride, and holding him back as he is about to run into the street. He will make you stretch your personality and your limits, and you will become more adaptable than you ever thought possible. That's parenting.For a mother to raise a boy means she gets as close as one can get tocrossing the lines of gender. She will see the world through her son'seyes, and the world won't look the same. Mothers get to be adored by theirsons, and that is really fun. She'll get to celebrate everything she hasloved in men and help her son to become a good man. She will struggle witheverything she has found regrettable in men, and at moments she willdespair and say, "They're hopeless." It will be an amazing trip, just asit is for fathers who have daughters. Your son will open your eyes,broaden your knowledge, and help your sense of humor. I guarantee it.