Friday Nights

Chapter OneToby’s mother said that when Eleanor came he’d have to go down to the ground floor and help her with the lift.Toby said — sulkily, because he was angry with her for something he couldn’t quite put his finger on — ‘She doesn’t need help.’His mother was standing in front of the mirror she had propped on top of a chest in her bedroom. She was arranging her hair in a complicated kind of knot, and she had a hairclip between her teeth.Through it she said without looking at him, ‘Toby, this isn’t about need. It’s about manners.’Toby kicked one foot clumsily against the other. Then he went out of his mother’s bedroom and banged the door shut and leaned against it. This door, his mother’s bedroom door, was one of only a few doors in the flat. There was just that door, and the front door and the door on the bathroom. The rest was just space. Upwards, outwards, sideways. Just space.‘I live in a loft,’ Toby said to someone when he’d started his new school.Several boys had stared at him, elaborately uninterested.‘Whatever,’ they’d said.‘I do,’ Toby had said to himself silently all that day. ‘I do.’ And then, ‘My father bought it.’He had. Toby’s father had bought the loft two years ago, and had given it to Paula and Toby.‘Conscience money,’ Paula’s friend, Lindsay, said.Paula hadn’t replied. She put the photograph of Toby’s father on the black rattan chest between two of the huge high windows. It was a photograph taken on a boat, and Toby’s father was sitting on the roof of the cabin, and he was smiling. His feet were bare. The photograph did not, however, include Toby’s father’s wife and children who were, Toby knew, the reason why he and his mother lived in the loft on their own.‘At least,’ Paula said sometimes to Toby, when she got very loving and then very angry, ‘at least you know who your father is.’What she meant by that Toby hadn’t the faintest idea. And he certainly wasn’t asking. Occasionally, if he was alone in the flat while Paula went to buy a newspaper, or to collect the dry-cleaning, he would pick up his father’s photograph and lay it face down on the black rattan chest.‘You just stay there, Gavin,’ he’d say. ‘You just do as you’re told.’He sighed now. He wanted to be back in his mother’s bedroom, but he had made that impossible. He sighed again. The loft looked enormous in the gathering gloom, as if the walls and ceiling were quietly dissolving into the darkness, just melting away so that the night could pour in. Paula had lit her lamps, the lamps that threw light up into the dusky spaces, the lamps that let light fall on to her orange cushions and the rug striped like a zebra. She had put glasses on the low table between the sofas because people were coming, glasses and bowls of varnished Japanese rice crackers. People were coming. Eleanor was coming.Toby pushed himself away from the door and stood up. He liked Eleanor. She walked unevenly with the help of a stick, and her hair was a white fuzz, and she talked to him as if he might have an opinion worth hearing. He also liked how his mother was with Eleanor, how she was calm and able to think about things that weren’t automatically going to upset her. Eleanor once said to Toby that the older she got the more she preferred the universal to the individual and personal. Toby had wondered if she was talking about galaxies.He went slowly across the living space, avoiding, as usual, actually treading on the zebra rug. On the far side, a metal staircase resembling a ladder with perforated treads rose up in the dimness to the platform where Toby’s bed was, and his computer, and the toy theatre for which he collected puppets. He climbed the ladder slowly, a deliberate tread at a time, until he was out of the glow of the lamps and into the privacy of darkness. Then he sat down on the top step of the ladder and leaned forward, until his chin was on his knees, and he sighed again. Friday nights.It was Eleanor who had started these Friday nights some years back, after observing from the bay window of her front room two young women endlessly trailing up and down that low-built street in Fulham. One had a baby and one had a small boy. They were never together, and they were never, as far as Eleanor could see, accompanied by a man.Eleanor had seldom been accompanied by a man herself, but then she had never had a baby or a small boy either. Watching the young women, she had seen what she had so often seen during her long working years as an administrator in the National Health Service — manifestations of those brave coping mechanisms devised by people concerned not to be pitied for being alone. Being alone, Eleanor knew, was not in itself undesirable: it was the circumstances of aloneness that made it either a friend or a foe. And being alone with a small dependent child, and thus in a situation considered by the conventional world to be ideally a matter of partnership, was not a situation for the faint-hearted. Sometimes, Eleanor thought, watching them over the top of her reading glasses, the set of those young women’s shoulders indicated that their hearts, for all the outward show of managing, were very faint indeed.One day, seeing them both approaching from opposite ends of the street, she had limped out on her stick into a sharp spring wind and offered to babysit. Both had been extremely startled, and both had demurred. The girl with the baby said she couldn’t leave him. The young woman with the small boy said she had no money. Eleanor said she didn’t want money. The young woman said, somewhat desperately, that she couldn’t handle obligation.Eleanor leaned on her stick. She took off her reading glasses and let them hang round her neck on the scarlet cord she had attached in the hope of not losing them.‘Then do me a favour,’ Eleanor said.The girls waited, sniffing the wind.‘Let me be the obliged one,’ Eleanor said. ‘Come and see me. Bring the children. Come on Friday night.’They came, mute with awkwardness. The baby slept in his pram. Toby, aged almost three, squirmed on the sofa under a crocheted blanket and threaded his fingers endlessly in and out of the holes. Eleanor opened a bottle of Chianti, and poured out large glasses. She learned, with patience and difficulty, that Paula, Toby’s mother, could not, for some reason, live with Toby’s father. She learned that Lindsay, mother of baby Noah, had been widowed when her husband, a construction worker, had been crushed by a cement slab.‘It was a year and three months ago,’ Lindsay said. She looked across at the pram. ‘I didn’t even know I was pregnant.’‘Nobody should be required to bear that,’ Eleanor said.Lindsay said quickly, still looking at the pram, ‘I’m not bearing it.’They did not, either of them, seem to know how to arrange themselves, nor when to leave. At ten o’clock, Eleanor got stiffly to her feet and said that she was afraid it was her bedtime. They went out together, with the pram and the pushchair, hardly looking at her as they said goodbye. Eleanor, beginning on the nightly ritual of closing and locking and bolting, thought how often it was the case that a small good intention was snatched out of one’s hands by human conduct and inflated into something much larger and much less manageable. She regarded herself dispassionately in the looking glass let into the art deco coat stand in her hall.‘Persevere,’ Eleanor told herself. ‘Keep going.’Three Fridays later, they came again. Eleanor had seen Lindsay in the newsagent’s on the corner of the street, and Paula comforting Toby who had fallen out of his pushchair while struggling against being strapped in. They had not accepted with enthusiasm, but they had not refused either. Eleanor made pâté, and bought French bread, and chocolate, and juice for Toby in a small waxed carton with a straw. Lindsay brought six mauve chrysanthemums in a cone of cellophane printed to resemble lace. Toby climbed out of the crocheted blanket and drank his juice on his mother’s knee and stared at Eleanor’s hair. They had stayed until ten-fifteen, and Paula had been able to look straight at Eleanor for a few seconds and say uncertainly, ‘That was kind of you.’Eleanor took her glasses off.‘If kindness isn’t just a form of self-interest, thank you.’A few weeks later, Lindsay asked if she could bring her younger sister. She looked at a point just past Eleanor’s left ear while she asked this, and the request became entangled in a long and confused explanation of how Lindsay’s parents’ inability to parent in any sustained way had left Lindsay as the only person in her sister’s life who could provide any mothering. It was an anxious task, Lindsay implied, since her sister seemed to have inherited her parents’ taste for a wild and irresponsible life. She was working in a club in Ladbroke Grove as a warm-up disc jockey when she could get the work, and Lindsay was worried about the ways in which she was spending her free time.‘What is her name?’ Eleanor said.‘Julia,’ Lindsay said.‘Jules,’ Jules said, when she came. She had red-and-yellow striped hair and was wearing a flowered tea dress over thick black leggings and heavy laced-up boots. She had on purple lipstick. Toby stopped staring at Eleanor’s hair and stared at Jules instead. She stared back, her bitten-nailed hands wrapped round a mug of tea, which was all she would drink. She spoke to no one except to say, her eyes roving over the incoherent contents of Eleanor’s sitting room, ‘Cool room.’Lindsay had come round to Eleanor’s house the next morning. She had a baby cyclamen in a plastic pot in her hand.‘It’s a bit awkward,’ Lindsay said.Eleanor smiled at Noah. He was lying in his pram, wearing a yellow knitted hat that made him resemble an egg in a cosy.‘Oh?’‘Jules, well, Jules doesn’t live in a world where people say please and thank you much.’‘I’m used to that,’ Eleanor said.‘I didn’t want you to think–’ Lindsay stopped.‘I didn’t.’Lindsay held out the cyclamen.‘Please . . .’Eleanor transferred her stick from one hand to the other.‘I like cyclamen. But I don’t need an apology.’‘Bah,’ Noah said from his pram.Lindsay looked down at him.‘Jules never pays him any attention. It’s as if she hasn’t seen him.’Eleanor took the cyclamen out of Lindsay’s hand.‘She’s seen him all right. Thank you for this.’‘I don’t expect she’ll come again–’‘No.’‘I’m sorry–’‘Do you know,’ Eleanor said, ‘these days, I seem to save getting upset for the big things.’Almost two months later, Jules did come again. She wore a pink baby-doll chiffon top and a leather waistcoat and a miniskirt over jeans. She thrust a parcel wrapped in newspaper at Eleanor and went wordlessly off to the kitchen to make tea. In the newspaper parcel was a battered hand mirror made of black papier mâché inlaid with mother-of-pearl.‘Thank you,’ Eleanor said, surveying herself in the clouded glass. ‘I am very touched.’Jules shrugged. She looked round Eleanor’s determinedly unmodernized kitchen.‘Yeah,’ she said approvingly.It was that same evening that Toby slid down from Paula’s knee and went to stand two feet in front of Jules so that he could examine her properly. It was that same evening that Eleanor described her childhood, growing up in a tall red-brick house down the southern end of the Munster Road. Her bedroom had looked out on to the railway, and her world, she said, had been a linear one, defined by the number 14 bus route, with school in Putney at one end, and infrequent snatches of bright-lights life in Piccadilly at the other. It was that evening that Lindsay had broken down completely and out of the blue, and Jules had fled to the stairs where Eleanor found her steadily banging her head against the wall while chanting, ‘Shit, shit, shit,’ like a mantra. It was also the evening when, escorting them all out of her front door and down the negligible path to the pavement, Eleanor had seen her neighbour of two doors away, a well-dressed woman invariably in a professional-looking suit, pause in the process of unlocking her own front door to look at them all with more than passing interest, with, in fact, considerable curiosity. Eleanor looked back. The woman gave an irresolute smile. Eleanor nodded.‘Who’s she?’ Paula said.‘A Miss Campbell, I believe.’‘Shush,’ Lindsay said. ‘She can hear you.’Miss Campbell got her door open and pulled her key free.‘She can,’ she said, and stepped inside.The door closed. Jules was standing on the pavement, her fingers in her mouth.‘Ask her too,’ she said.‘I think,’ Eleanor said, ‘Miss Campbell doesn’t lack for a social life.’‘I dare you,’ Jules said.Blaise Campbell arrived some Fridays later, with a bottle of Riesling and a bunch of violets. Noah was complaining in his pram and Toby had taken the crocheted blanket under the table and was lying with his thumb in his mouth and his free hand grasping his mother’s foot. Lindsay and Paula watched Blaise enter Eleanor’s sitting room as if she were embarking on the unknown tests of an initiation rite.‘We are not used,’ Eleanor said, ‘to wine as superior as this. Thank you.’Blaise made a little deprecating gesture. Perhaps she was thirty-five, Paula thought, perhaps older. She had the polish of someone older but that might be because she was a lawyer or an accountant or one of those professionals who have to look older than they really are in order to look as if they know what they are doing. She watched Blaise step round Toby’s protruding foot in its blue-and-red slipper sock, and take a chair with the neatness of someone used to doing it in public. Paula looked at Blaise’s hands. Well cared for. Ringless. She had folded them on the table, as if she were in a meeting. Perhaps she was also used to meetings.‘It’s very kind of you,’ Blaise said, ‘to include me.’ Eleanor smiled as her.‘I expected you to turn me down.’‘Oh no.’Noah’s voice rose to a wail.‘He’s hungry,’ Lindsay said. She went over to the pram, her skirt rucked up from where she had been sitting. ‘He’s always hungry.’Blaise said politely, ‘How old is he?’‘Eight months.’Under the table, Toby’s hand left his mother’s foot and walked, crabwise, across the floor to one of Blaise’s feet. It was shod in a patent-leather pump. The hand considered the patent leather for a moment and tried a few experimental taps, and then it crept up Blaise’s foot and grasped her ankle.‘Oh!’ Blaise said. Her eyes widened.Paula glanced under the table.‘Stop it, Toby.’Toby, his thumb still in, paid no attention.‘Let go!’ Paula said.Blaise said hastily, ‘I don’t mind . . .’‘Don’t you?’‘No.’Paula sat back. It was another tiny test.‘Oh well then–’Blaise looked round at them all. She cleared her throat. Paula tried to catch Lindsay’s eye, to mouth at her, ‘She thinks we’re a meeting!’‘I probably shouldn’t ask this,’ Blaise said, ‘especially on my first visit, but — but can anyone join?’Eleanor put a handful of old-fashioned hock glasses with green stems down on the table.‘Within reason–’‘It’s just,’ Blaise said, ‘it’s just that I’ve got a friend, I mean a colleague, someone I work with, who was terribly envious of me when I said where I was coming tonight. She says she almost never gets to talk to women, except at work, she’s just too busy.’ She looked round the circle. She said, a little louder, ‘She’s the breadwinner, you see. Her husband is an artist. They have two little girls. She simply made me promise I’d ask. So I have.’Eleanor drew the bottle towards her. Nobody spoke. Toby let his hand slide down Blaise’s foot to her shoe. His hand was warm and slightly damp. He found he could stick it and unstick it to her shoe.Eleanor pulled the cork out of the Riesling. She looked at Blaise. Blaise was looking at Lindsay and Lindsay was looking at Noah.‘Well, bring her,’ Eleanor said. ‘Why not?’* * *It was nice, Toby thought now, jiggling his feet on the metal ladder, when they used to go to Eleanor’s house. Once they went all the time, from the flat that had been home before they moved to the loft, the flat that Toby could still remember, especially in terms of texture and smell, in every detail. It was on the first floor of a house like Eleanor’s, a two-storey Edwardian house with a heavy frieze around the solid bay windows. The frieze was punctured with quatrefoils and painted with thick pink paint. Eleanor’s house, which Toby could see from their sitting-room window, was painted cream and the paint was flaking off. Their flat only had a sitting room and a bedroom and a kitchen and a bathroom like a cupboard that filled with steam in seconds. Paula hated it with a passion. Toby loved it, especially the decorative blisters on the wallpaper that you could pop with a fingernail and the china doorknobs that rattled in their base rings like loose teeth.They lived in that flat for six years. It was the flat that Toby started school from. It was the flat that Paula went to her part-time job from, her job in a shop further east up the Fulham Road that specialized in uncompromising dark furniture from Indonesia. It was the flat that Gavin, Toby’s father, came to sometimes and, after minutes of supreme tension in the sitting room with Paula, removed Toby from to take him to a pizza place.On some of these occasions, Toby had talked as if he’d had a dose of laughing gas. On others, he said almost nothing, cutting his pizza into an unnecessary number of little strips, and waiting for Gavin to say, as he always uselessly said, ‘Well, where would you like to go now?’Toby never knew. He would take gulps of his Coca-Cola and make don’t-know faces. The contrast between the anticipation and the reality of Gavin’s visits left him bereft of ideas, let alone the means of expressing them. Usually Gavin would watch him in an unpractised way for a while and then say, ‘If I was a member at Stamford Bridge, at least we could go there. But as I’m not, we can’t,’ and he’d give a little bark of laughter. Toby didn’t join in. He knew Gavin had three other children, three daughters, and they somehow joined in those outings with Gavin in a shadowy, insistent way, like moths pattering against a hot lampshade. They had names that Toby took care not to remember in any easily accessible parts of his mind. They were obviously the ones that Gavin was in tune with, the ones who never got asked where they would like to go, because it was never necessary.Usually, they walked. They walked the streets so familiar to Toby, past shops he saw every day, the manicurist, and the ironmonger where, on weekdays, the ladders and buckets on display on the pavement were chained together like a convict gang, the antique shop full of dusty Far Eastern idols and a pearl-lined shell as big as a small canoe, the herbalist who offered acupuncture. Gavin didn’t try to take Toby’s hand on these walks, although he put his on Toby’s shoulder as they crossed streets, and so Toby would walk sufficiently apart from him in order to make hand-holding out of the question. On the way back — Gavin was always checking his watch, always saying, ‘We must stick by the arrangement, mustn’t we?’ in a way that made Toby despair — they always passed Eleanor’s house, and if he could see her fuzz of white hair through the sitting-room window a drop of cool comfort fell into the hot bile engendered by the afternoon. Sometimes she looked up and saw him and she would take one hand away from the book or paper she was reading and raise it in a kind of salute.‘Do odd jobs for her, do you?’ Gavin said, his voice a shade too hearty.‘No,’ Toby said. Eleanor was not somehow for sharing. ‘No, she does them herself.’Since they came to live in the loft, however, things had changed. The loft was a change in itself, of course, the result of something happening to Gavin’s job that meant he could buy them the loft and be photographed on a boat and give Toby a computer. But the loft had changed Paula too, had meant that she had found the courage to apply for, and get, the job of managing the Indonesian furniture shop, and that she now found excuses not to spend too much time in Eleanor’s sitting room.‘I want to look after her now,’ she said to Toby. ‘I want to pay her back a bit.’Toby thought Eleanor liked being in her own house. There was something about the way she looked round the loft, whenever she came, that made him think she found it faintly — well, funny really. And the sofas were too low. You could see that. It needed Toby and Paula together to get Eleanor out of the sofas.Paula came out of her bedroom. Her dark hair was pinned up in a spiky ball behind her head and she was wearing shoes Toby hadn’t seen before. Black with red heels. He regarded them with disapproval.‘Toby?’He said nothing. Paula picked up a box of long matches and began to light the scattering of tea-light candles across the low table.‘I don’t think Noah’s coming tonight,’ Paula said.‘Only Poppy. So there’ll just be you two children.’Toby stared at the little flotilla of tiny flames.‘But that’s OK, isn’t it? Poppy likes your theatre.’ Privately Toby quite liked Poppy. At six, she was two years younger than he was, and spoke in an intense whisper. Her mother, Blaise’s friend Karen, said that this was because her infinitely competent older sister was always shushing her. But Poppy was not the kind of child who would ever have taken kindly to being shushed, for whatever reason. Poppy talked all the time, and if she did so in a whisper there was no point or logic in telling her to shut up.‘OK,’ Toby said.Paula walked away towards the kitchen part of the loft. The red heels were quite high and she didn’t walk very steadily. Toby watched her open the door of the big new fridge and stand looking inside as if she was considering something.She glanced towards him.‘I even bought you and Poppy some Coke,’ Paula said. ‘As a treat.’Toby began to inch down the steps, arching his back and balancing on his hands and feet.‘OK.’‘That’s not a very gracious response to a treat, is it?’Toby reached the floor with his feet.‘Why is it a treat?’‘Because it’s Friday night–’‘You don’t usually–’‘Toby,’ Paula said, ‘I don’t know what’s eating you, but don’t take it out on me.’Toby got to his feet.‘Why can’t we go round to Eleanor’s?’‘Because it’s my turn. Because I like having everyone here. Because Lindsay is coming early.’Toby began to walk along one of the lines between the floor-planking as if it was a tightrope.‘Is Jules coming?’‘I don’t know. You never do know, with Jules.’She took a bottle out of the fridge and began hunting in a drawer for a corkscrew. Toby watched his greytrainered feet flip down in a moving line, one foot after the other. The line ended up a short distance away from Paula. She held the corkscrew out.‘You should learn to do this.’‘I’m not allowed wine,’ Toby said babyishly.‘Yes, you are. With water. If I say so. Anyway, taking corks out of bottles is something you have to learn to do. Come and try.’Toby wanted to try. He hung back, his feet still arranged toe to heel.‘Come on.’‘I’m coming.’‘It’s no big deal,’ Paula said. ‘It’s just useful.’Toby put his arms out to balance his position.‘OK.’‘Do you behave like this at school? If so, I wonder why Miss Wingate, or whatever she’s called, doesn’t want to throttle you.’Toby unjammed his feet.‘I expect she does.’‘Do you like her?’Toby looked agonized.‘I dunno–’‘What does she look like?’Toby’s expression changed from agonized to appalled.‘What does Miss Wingate look like? Tall? Short? Fat? Thin? Short hair? Long hair?’Toby took the corkscrew and flapped its metal arms up and down.‘I didn’t look.’Paula took the hand that was holding the corkscrew and held it above the bottle.‘I’ve taken the foil off. That plug in there, dumbo, is the cork. What do you think I look like?’Toby jabbed the corkscrew down at the bottle and missed.He shouted, ‘Don’t ask me this stuff!’He heard Paula catch her breath, a long, slow intake. Never a good sign. She took his hand again and held it, painfully hard.‘To think I have all adolescence to get through and you haven’t even got there yet. Put your left hand on the bottle.’Toby didn’t move.‘Do as you are told!’ Paula said loudly.Toby put his hand on the bottle, very slowly. It was cold and hard and wet.‘Ugh,’ he said.‘Now, centre the screw on the cork. Carefully.’She pushed his right hand downwards. Her nails dug into the skin of his hand.‘Ow–’‘In the middle. The absolute middle. Now push. To get the tip in, before you turn.’Toby pushed, the tip of the screw skidded sideways and knocked the bottle over.‘Dear God–’ Paula said.The doorbell rang. The bottle rolled slowly to the edge of the kitchen table and Toby caught it, using a reflex he had had no intention of employing. Paula said nothing to him. She ran unevenly across to the intercom in her red heels and pressed the buzzer that released the street door.‘Come on up,’ she said into the intercom, ‘before I murder Toby.’Toby set the bottle upright on the table, inserted the corkscrew, twisted it down, flipped the metal levers and pulled the cork out. Paula came back to the kitchen.She looked at the extracted cork.‘You little sod.’Toby shrugged.‘What was all that about?’Toby shrugged again. Paula took him by the shoulders and bent to look in his face.‘Answer me. What was all that about?’Toby said truthfully, ‘I don’t know.’‘Is it school? Has anyone upset you? Are you being bullied?’The front doorbell rang.‘We’ll talk about this,’ Paula said. ‘We’ll talk about this tomorrow. In the meantime, just try and behave. Just try. OK?’Toby gave the smallest of nods. Paula let go of his shoulders and ran across to the front door. Lindsay was standing there in her beige hooded coat with a carrier in her hand.She said, kissing Paula, laughing, ‘What’s he done?’ Paula didn’t look at Toby.She said, ‘I asked him to describe what I looked like and he couldn’t. I could wear orange-peel teeth and a green fright wig and he wouldn’t notice.’‘I would,’ Toby said, under his breath.Lindsay took her coat off. She looked round her.‘This is so great. I love coming here.’ She held out the carrier bag. ‘These are for you. I know you like big candles.’ She looked towards the kitchen and she called, ‘Hi, Toby. Noah says to say hi too,’ and then she looked down at Paula’s feet and she said, ‘Wow. Hot shoes.’Paula was looking in the carrier bag.‘These are lovely. Just what I like.’ She glanced at her feet and gave a little giggle. ‘I know.’Lindsay bent closer.‘Come on, then.’Paula bent her head too.‘Well . . .’‘Come on,’ Lindsay said, ‘come on. You said come early, so I’ve come. Tell me–’Paula shifted a little on her red heels.There was a pause, and then she said, in quite a low voice, but with a pride and a thrill in it that made Toby, standing by the kitchen table, feel suddenly sick, ‘He’s called Jackson.’