The McSweeney’s Book of Politics and Musicals

FOREWORD Wyatt CenacMy America: A New Action Movie Screenplay by Sarah Palin Wendy MolyneuxPresidential Stats Simon RichFrom the Diary of John Adams Peter KrinkeAn Anti-Washington Candidate’s Stump Speech Pete ReynoldsMy 1-1-1-1-1-1-1 Plan Ellie KemperWhere Is the Rest of This Graph? Ben GreenmanThe Only Thing That Can Stop This Asteroid Is Your Liberal Arts DegreeMike LacherDebate for Emperor of the Upsilon Sigma Star System Teddy WayneVote Yes on SPLOST 5 Lucas KlaussBarack Obama’s Undersold 2012 Campaign Slogans Nathaniel LozierA Comprehensive List of Third- Place Finishers for U.S. President, 2008–2036 David WarnkeThe Lesser-Known Slogans of Political Moderates Kate Johansen and Katie BukowskiThree Timelines of the American Financial Meltdown Told Through R. L. Stine Book Titles Matthew GillespieFragments from BAILOUT! THE MUSICAL Ben GreenmanPolitical Decision-Making in the New Century Sean CarmanFormer CIA Director George Tenet’s Other Excuses Christopher MonksA Message from a TSA Full-Body Scanner Jesse AdelmanA Guest Columnist Still Getting the Hang of It Ellie KemperExtended Trailer for American Demographic 2012 Pete ReynoldsYour Attempts to Legislate Against Hunting Man for Sport Reek of Class Warfare Mike LacherLittle Housing Crisis on the Prairie Susan SchornAtlas Shrugged Updated for the Financial Crisis Jeremiah TuckerNoises That Select Political Pundits Would Make If They Were Wild Animals Instead of Political Pundits John WarnerDonald Rumsfeld: Love Doctor Stephen ElliottParallels Between My Living Through Two Years of Middle School and the Two Terms of George W. Bush’s Presidency Teddy WayneRepublican S&M Safe Words Nathan PenskyFragments from WEINER! THE MUSICAL Ben GreenmanSomeday My Concession Speech Will Be Read by Schoolchildren Jim StallardStarting Over with Pat Nixon Tom GliattoHow You Voted Jonathan Stern30 and Pregnant Rachel FriedmanI’m Afraid the Children Are Our Future John MoeHow Superior Each Bar Feels to the Others Ben GreenmanClassic Nursery Rhymes, Updated and Revamped for the Recession, as Told to Me by My Father Jen StatskyThe Adventures of Right- Wing Conservative Robin Hood Sarah RosenshineTwo Medieval Physicians Debate Universal Health Care Blair BeckerThe Twenty-First Century Adventures of Tintin Neil GrafYouth Culture Findings Dan KennedyApril Fools’ Day Pranks to Play on an Unemployed Twentysomething Male Who Still Lives at Home with His Parents Christopher MonksYour Protest Signs Are Too Specific Alan TrotterLess Powerful Industry Lobbying Groups Todd RovakFragments from PALIN! THE MUSICAL Ben GreenmanMarxist- Socialist Jokes Jesse EisenbergWhat If Germany Won the War? Mike SacksMetroid ’s Samus Aran Speaks Out About Gay Marriage Marco KayeAbstinence-Only Driver’s Ed Suzanne KleidA 1980s Teen Sex Comedy Becomes Politically Uncomfortable Andrew GoldenFor a Yellow Brick Wall Mike GallagherThe Stability of Data Ben GreenmanHow Bernanke Tackled the Depression, As Recorded 150 Years from Now by Post-Apocalyptic Hobo Folklorists Grant MunroeRon Paul Gives a Guided Tour of His Navajo Art Collection Jeremiah TuckerTribal Matters Jim StallardEarly Drafts of Patrick Henry’s Revolutionary Proclamation “Give Me Liberty or Give Me Death!” Sam WeinerUnpublished Federalist Papers Maggie Ryan SandfordCrate & Barrel Tableware Style+U.S. President=Fictional Delta Blues Singer Josh MichtomPatriotic Laundry Metaphors Doogie HornerQuiz: Rumsfeld Memoir Chapter Title or German Heavy Metal Song? David ReesThe Next Wave: Candidate Product Placement Pete ReynoldsOccupy Main Street! Teddy WayneOperation Middle Class: A Fearful Rich Man’s Rules for Survival in an Increasingly Populist World Luke Kelly-ClyneI Will Henry AlfordWord Problems for Future Hedge Fund Managers Bob WoodiwissMom’s and Dad’s Campaign Statements Gregory BeyerI Probably Shouldn’t Have Opted for the Cheapest HMO Jim StallardPresidents Who Could Also Be Strippers Noel WoodState Rules Colin PerkinsGreat Quotes from the End of NASA’s Space Shuttle Era Jim SantelThings JFK Might Ask You to Ask Not Today Kate HahnThe Songs of Lenin and McCarthy Jimmy ChenFragments from WIKILEAKS! THE MUSICAL Ben GreenmanThe Elements of Press Release Style Gary KlienWhich Flavor of Ice Cream Do You Want, Daddy? Miles KahnAesop’s Fables Teach Children the Art of Voter Suppression Andrew GoldenThis Recession Has Spared No One, Not Even the Mythical and Folkloric Figures of Our Collective Western Imagination Henry Alford and Ryan HaneyPOLL: Do I Fully Understand the Concept of Margin of Error? Ben GreenmanA Letter from the U.S. Department of Education Regarding the Birth of Your First Child Mark BrownlowImportant Details About Your New Health Care Plan Dan KennedyRobert Gibbs’s Dungeons & Dragons Game Goes Off the Rails Travis WattThe Labors of Unemployed Hercules Luke BurnsTemplates to the Editor Bob WoodiwissSlightly Less-Cited Supreme Court Decisions Rob KutnerArchaic U.S. Senate Procedures Lucas KlaussCongressional Missed Connections Sloan SchangChapter Titles for Rachel Carson’s 1962 Book Silent Spring That Were Rejected for Being Too Alarmist Caredwen FoleyFragments from HOT PLANET! THE MUSICAL Ben GreenmanRecycle, Compost, or Trash? A Guide Jenny ShankPickman’s Chicken Farm Is Now Cruelty-Free Zack PoitrasCreate Your Own Thomas Friedman Op-Ed Column Michael WardThe Gahhh! Institute Lucas KlaussEyewitness News with Tom Denardo and Cheryl Clayburn Seth ReissHow Much I Had to Manipulate the Data to Make It Seem Like Things Were Looking Up Ben GreenmanLittle-Known Facts from the Guinness Book of World Records Simon RichOngoing Roadblocks in the Mongoose-Cobra Peace Talks Bob WoodiwissThe Girls of The Hills Visit Afghanistan Wendy MolyneuxDavid Brooks Also Eats Cereal John WarnerA Straw Poll of Issues on Voters’ Minds for This Upcoming Election, Based Only on the Conversation Initiations of the Morose Security Guard Who Sits in the Lobby of the Building Where I Work Ryan HaneyPhoto Ops to Gain More Than 50% of the Electorate David HartDance Dance Revolution Matthew BonnanActual Subject Lines of E-mails I’ve Received from Barack Obama’s Campaign That Sound Like He’s Asking Me Out and Then Breaking Up with Me Sarah WalkeFragments from SANTORUM! THE MUSICAL Ben GreenmanSpreading the Good Word: A Missionary’s Guide Wendy MolyneuxThe 700 Club Does the Weather Alex KaneThe First American Bidding War Susan SchornThe Front Porch Campaign, 1880 Chris WhitePerhaps Now You Wish You Had Paid Closer Attention to Your Judicial Candidates for County Circuit Court! Mike LacherOrdinary Circle or Pie Chart? Ben GreenmanThis Is a Reelection Campaign Stop, Not a Labor Day Weekend Beach Vacation Ryan HaneyLaura Wingfi eld from The Glass Menagerie on the 2012 Republican Presidential Candidates Kate HahnNo Country for Anyone John WarnerThe Latest Deals from LivingCapitalist Pete ReynoldsVoter Segments to Watch This Year Sloan SchangAccusations Leveled At a Dolphin Running for President Eric FeezellGod Texts the Ten Commandments Jamie QuatroNew Fears for the Twenty-First Century Hannah TepperFragments from STRONG GOVERNMENT! THE MUSICAL Ben Greenman